


Failure

by straycat13ct



Category: One Piece
Genre: Angst, Deppressed!Law, Depression, Gen, OPReverseBang 2016, Sadness, Suicidal!Law, is that a word I'm not so sure, well any kind of emotional negativeness??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-08-12 10:16:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7930882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/straycat13ct/pseuds/straycat13ct
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Strawhats (now with a Grand Fleet) leave the rubble of Dressrosa behind, and throughout the feast aboard the Yonta Maria Trafalgar Law drinks not to celebrate but to forget. He should be happy, after all this chaos, but to Robins watchful eyes it is obvious that he is anything but ok.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Failure

**Author's Note:**

> This is my contribution to One Piece Reversebang 2016 with mathemayjicks as my partner. Who was kind enough to beta and write the summary for my fanfiction. (So much thanks for your help!) the link to art is at the end notes.

Law had anticipated this day for thirteen years, for thirteen fucking long years. The day that Doflomingo would be defeated and Corazon would have been avenged. He awaited the day that monster would be punished for his sins and the one who punished him would be himself. But in the end he wasn't strong enough. He wasn't strong enough to kill Doflamingo nor he was strong enough to be the one who sent him behind the bars. Even when he calculated every single thing and waited for an opening to use Gamma Knife and Counter Shock that bastard didn't die! It was the perfect opening but in the end his strings just mended his wounds and he was on his feet and Law wasn't. He was barely conscious and all he could do was watching Luffy. Watching Luffy defeat Doflamingo in his stead. This should have been his revenge but the one who accomplished it wasn't him but his ally.

Well, these poisonous thoughts never left his mind starting the moment he realized Doflamingo was in fact really defeated. Caesar was kept away from him Doflamingo and the SAD factory was in ruins. He tried to comfort himself with the thought that in the end, his mission was completed. Thinking like that helped a bit. He had to be contented with these the way things had turned out since he was at the banquet at the Yonta Maria. He flashed his smirk around and hid the grim expression in his eyes with his hat. Guarded himself with a cheerful mask. He had to be happy. After a literal bloody war you had caused and even managed to win that damn thing you can't be sad next to your allies. You had to be happy and he was, he was happy. Just that pitch black hole inside him didn't vanish. It was ever permanent and after his encounter with Sengoku it only got bigger.

Finding someone who knew Corazon from the beginning and being told he was saved because Corazon wanted to keep him alive, to give him a chance and it had nothing to do with him being a D; was not a simple thing to accept. All these years he had known the truth that Corazon wasn't able to use people, that he was just too kind for his own good but still, he hoped, he hoped that maybe he was saved with an ulterior motive. That Corazon got himself killed not because he was protecting Law but for the greater good or something. It was not. It was all his fault, if he wasn't alive, Corazon would be. There were no lies to comfort himself anymore just cold harsh truth that, yes, the cause of Corazon's death was himself. Law should have died instead of him. He should have died when he still had the lead disease. That was what he was meant to be do, dying die with his family. Not cause deaths of people he considered more important than himself. 

Now he was watching people commit themselves to Luffy even when he made it clear that he wasn't interested in forming such bonds. He had foolish principles and even more foolish goals. But if you were even to think he couldn't stand up for them you were even more foolish than that idiot ever was. He made miracles come true. Law’s own eyes were the witness of it. Knowing this something dark crawled inside his stomach, clawing him from the inside making invisible scars that were hurting all his being. Seeing that smile on that small kid was not making him happy, all the opposite, it was making him miserable. He didn't hate him of course, he admired him. He liked Luffy but he was just so jealous. So jealous that he wanted to open his mouth and ruin that smile that had been rubbed on everybody. He wanted to ruin it. He wanted to ruin everything. He was jealous, selfish and miserable... He was slowly dying inside and all he wanted was drag everybody down with him. But he couldn't do it, he wouldn't do it. So he just stared at Luffy from afar. The ever present grin on Luffy's face was like a sunshine after a cold storm, warming people.

He knew that even though Luffy's attitude was all sunshine and cotton candy, his experiences wasn't. He was there when Ace died. He watched Luffy holding his precious brother in his arms as he breathed his last words. He heard him scream until he couldn't even move anymore then he watched Luffy when he finally woke up. Watch him tear the place apart but eventually he got over it. Now he was flaunting the scar that had been given to him that day. It's not like the boy didn't feel pain. He saw how much he suffered. The jealousy was because of the sincere smile Luffy wore now and it was not like he forget Ace, god knows how much he missed his big brother but in the end he was able to continue his life. He was able to feel happiness and excitement, other emotions than anger and hatred. Still holding that silly innocence of his, still not being able to lie. It was really unfit to be a pirate, but he was strong both in body and mentality and Law liked the boy.

That was the problem, he liked Luffy but even when he liked him, he couldn't stomach the enthusiasm Luffy wore after a war, that was entirely fought for Law's own sake. He wasn't that important but Luffy had endangered himself for him. And that's what he was jealous of. The act of fighting for someone without ulterior motives. Like Corazon, Luffy hadn't had any ulterior motives so unlike him. He had saved Luffy at Marineford so Luffy would help him get to Dressrosa and about kidnapping Caesar, not more than that and definitely not from his goodwill. He had intended to use him as distraction. But Luffy didn't just distracted them like he planned at the same time he fought for his sake he did all that without any casualties to his crew. Being jealous about that was really fucked up, like his entire being.

So, in the end Law did the only thing he could think of at that moment, he started to drink. Hiding himself behind a cheerful mask, that still couldn't conceal the suffering in his cold metal eyes. He chugged down glass after glass. Bottle after bottle... He smirked when the others laughed, because everyone knew Trafalgar Law didn't laugh out loud, he just fit in with a small change in his behavior. He drank more than usual. Usually he drank responsibly since he had to have a clear mind. He had to come up with a plan to take Doflamingo down. Well Doflamingo was down so there was no problem getting shit-faced. He was kinda at the back. Spotlight was on Luffy so he could drink much more than usual. If someone were to notice now. Half of them hadn’t even known him before this fight and even people who knew him would probably think he was celebrating. Half of the Straw Hats weren’t even here. What a celebration, right?

If Luffy and Law were alone. He was sure Luffy would know something was up. In this kind of situations he had something akin to sixth sense. He always felt something was wrong with people whom he considered nakama. So him being busy was a nice thing. Well his jealousy of Luffy and disappointment in himself made him look over Robin.

 

Robin was like Law, away from the spotlight and was observing her surroundings like usual. It didn't take her long to notice Law was drinking like Zoro and acting like herself, especially when she was at Water 7. Of course when someone turned his way he acted normal but when he thought no one was looking, he didn't look normal. The way his shoulders were slightly hunched and the way he was sitting away from others. These were no indications of something was wrong. With his smirk and slight arrogance it was mostly everyday Law. In the end antisocial and emotionally stunted Law was all they knew. He was like that even in Thousand Sunny, he had fitted in back then but he was always distant and grumpy. The problem was his hands. Robin knew something was wrong at that moment her eyes landed on Law's hands. They were trembling. A surgeons, to be specific Surgeon of Death's hands never trembled. Well until this moment. Robin realized something was wrong at that moment.

Law realized that his mask had been shattered as their eyes met in that very few seconds. He was staring at his own hands too a few seconds ago, desperately trying to stop them but before he had managed, he felt someones eyes on him. That someone being Robin. He didn't have any confidence in himself to convince Robin. She was sharp and he was a failure in everything he did. He couldn't avenge Corazon, he couldn't kill Doflamingo and even when all things are over he couldn't be happy. He was a failure all through the end. But even when he was at the bottom his useless pride wouldn't let him break now. So in the end he hid one of his trembling hands in his pocket and with the other he grabbed another drink. It was obvious drinking was making him worse but he had to drink more, to feel more of the alcohol that started to mix in his blood, making him more slow and limbs heavier, like his head was on the clouds; dark ever changing clouds like the silent ones before a storm. Alcohol didn't make him feel better. In fact, not at all, but the lightheaded dizziness was making him stop thinking and that was all he needed. Not to think and not to drown in his selfish miserableness. So he shied away from Robin and got close to people who he could deceive with a fake cheerful mask. The people who looked at him but didn't see him. He was with them for a while but even those ridiculous amount of alcohol wasn't helping anymore, not too much. He didn't know how much time passed everything was kinda blurry after half a dozen of bottles. 

It was getting late enough for most of the people to be drunk and they were mostly tired from the night and previous days. There were even a few pirates who just fell asleep between empty booze bottles. Maybe because of the exhaustion after a war, or maybe they were light weight when put against others. He wanted to be one of them but even in his best day he was insomniac, today he didn't think he could even pass out let alone sleep. Maybe lack of sleep in the end would make him go crazy, perhaps even crazy enough to jump into the sea. Being a devil fruit user the cold sea would put him out of his misery. The heaviness of water.  
The way it drained all his power. The way his lungs would be pierced by salty water. He would just cease to be.

Not breathing... Not existing anymore…

Thinking that made him feel less empty. It was comforting and he wanted to be comforted. His body being dead was no big deal since he felt like he was dying inside for the last years. A very slow burning, suffering death that was claiming his being from the inside, slowly draining him any feeling of being alive. He turned around looked for Robin, if he was still being watched he couldn't just jump maybe Robin was still watching him, that wouldn't be bad or maybe it would. Law wasn't sure anymore. But fortunately or unfortunately Robin wasn't there. Maybe after another bottle everything would be better, he could drink it inside. There was just no way to jump in the open deck, people would notice. So he looked around finally noticing Orlumbus the captain was still on the deck one of the very few people who was still celebrating. So captains quarters must be empty, his intoxicated mind decided. Private quarters of the captain it is. People wouldn't even notice he was gone. They were just too far gone in their own world.

Maybe Luffy would notice because in his mind, he was his nakama. But Law was sure the reason Luffy took him as a nakama was because he was pitiful. Luffy just couldn't let himself to leave anybody behind who was fighting but if he ever to notice how useless and miserable he was, probably even Luffy would leave him behind. Specially after he stopped fighting because there was nothing left to fight. So before Luffy and the others left him. He could just leave them behind. He didn't believe a happy place after death. He didn't think there would be any continuance of his existence after death even if there were. He was sure he was condemned the eternal suffering. Hell. And he was calm now the storm was over inside his head. His hands didn't tremble.

With half-empty bottle. He walked towards the captains quarters after he scavenged a single cigarette from one of the passed out people on the deck. He was never one to smoke usually, he tried before alright but he never picked the habit. He liked the smell of it, oddly familiar and nostalgic. He missed the burning smell of feathers to but he didn't had any feathers to burn.

He went inside finding the ridiculously expensive room and finding the balcony of the room. By the size of the Yonta Maria, Orlumbus had showed his extravagant life style. Same applied to his private quarters. He finished the bottle and placed on the table and finding another full one on it taking it with him before going out to balcony. One more bottle wouldn't matter in the end.

The wind he felt when he opened the doors blew away his hat into the room. He lit the cigarette, watched the waves that were hitting the ship. The very same waves that would claim his body. Never really dragging the breathes in his lungs just watching the smoke swirling then fading into the chilly air. He placed the bottle on the floor. In the end he never finished the cigarette just tossed it to New World's sea and watched the waves take away the butt of it. He decided to fling over his body the moment, cigarette butt was no longer visible on the dark, bottle already forgotten beneath his feet. In the end waiting would just make his determination waver. He threw away his coat making sure he couldn't read the Corazon that was written across the back. His beaten body language seeming more broken with the bandages that were covering his body. After loosing the coat he flung over one of his legs. He couldn't think of Corazon. Killing himself thinking of him would be an insult to his sacrifice. Now. Now, he was feeling. Excitement, a slight warmness that were more darker than the waves beneath his feet, an illusion of safety. Just an illusion... The illusion shattered when he heard the collected but sad voice. Maybe he was imagining the sad part since he was trying so hard to believe that he mattered. He wanted to matter but he didn't want the voice to reach him. Because he was about to die. He was seconds away from the certain death that his own hands would grace him. The voice reached him nonetheless. Robin's voice.

"Trafalgar-kun?"

Law heard it as a question, his name on her lips. She had this sad look on her face he couldn't quite decipher but all he could assume of it was pity, an infuriating, humiliating pity. She was standing in front of the door. Law thought of answering her call but all words seemed meaningless when he still had a leg over the rail. So instead of answering he just pulled his leg inside. What was he going to say? "Hey, Robin-ya. Could you close the door. I'm gonna take a dip in the sea. I know swimming is good for your health, I'm a doctor. I forgot the fact that I'm a devil fruit user. Silly me!"

Now he was ashamed of himself and in situation where he was at a loss for words. Couldn't even think a good comeback for the situation.

Robin was the same mostly. She was too, at a loss for words but contrary to Law she was thinking. She was thinking very hard, it was clear as crystal that Law was far away from being good. Any careless remark could make things a lot worse. She always observed him, watching his moves and trying to find out his motive. Contrary to Luffy she was not so trusting towards pirates. She always looked with doubt at him. In Dressrosa his aloof and grumpy personality could be explained by the stress that he took on his own shoulders. But he looked fine. He looked fine while talking to Doflamingo. Of course not good in a physical way, you know blood and gore and all... But there was this glint in his eyes making him seem more alive than he ever was the moment he stood against Doflamingo, figuratively of course, he was too hurt to be on his two feet. But before those Robin had seen the stress shake him, the bittersweet disbelief when Luffy being Luffy helped Law among the strong protests of his. There was something warm back then in his cold metallic eyes, unlike now. Something akin to hope. That was absent now. She tried to be comforting not all demanding and judging towards Law when she opened her mouth.

"Trafalgar-kun, care to join me at the table? We can talk."

Her voice was comforting and not exactly judging, at least she hoped so. She was baffled finding Law like that. Her mind couldn't got around to decipher why would Law of all people try to commit suicide. Wording what she saw in her mind made everything real. Law was about to jump into the sea. Even though he was clearly intoxicated Robin didn't think he forgot the fact he couldn't swim. When his relations with Doflamingo and his past came to light Robin didn't have any doubts that Law would turn against them not after everything cleared and crew started to trust Law. Maybe he was little dark but Law wasn't a bad person to begin with and he had won. So why jump now?! Truly intriguing. She walked to table in the room, the only one which Law had planted the empty bottle, taking long confident steps letting her hair flow behind her back. She didn't avoid eye contact even for a moment didn't let her small smile fall from her face. Indicating the chair, she invited Law to table.

Law having no arguments against her, just acknowledged her with a nod but couldn't bring himself to move. Not looking at Robin, just outright avoiding her. He avoided her eyes first, still facing her direction. Bug hearing her talk made his body turn towards the sea. Turning his back to her clearly showing that he wanted to be alone. 

"What happened?"

Robin didn't expect an answer and she didn't get one either. There she was staring at his back a few feet from behind noticing the crumpled coat on the floor. Suddenly extra limbs appeared between cherry blossom petals and in a creepy way the coat was carried and placed on the railing in front of Law. Not even a few seconds passed she walked next to him and reached his shoulder gently placing her unwavering hand and asked again more gentle and more quite. Calling his given name, a gesture of sincerity.

"Law, what's wrong?"

"Nothing... Just nothing."

There was another long silence followed by Trafalgar's attempt to take the expensive bottle from the floor. Expertly avoiding the physical contact. The silence was getting to him although he was in no shape of enjoying the bottle he wanted to drink something mostly to keep his mouth busy so he would have a reason not to talk. This time just one hand appeared next to bottle pushing it to the sea between the wooden balusters.

"I think you had enough."

"What would you know?"

Law's sharp retort took himself by surprise not Robin though. Her mind was occupied.

"Trafalgar-kun. You are clearly intoxicated. You are gonna give yourself a liver failure at this rate."

"More reasons to drink."

Law decided to keep his mouth shut instead of stomping his foot on the floor and start to cry. Throwing a tantrum like a child. His unnecessary pride couldn't take another blow. He took a deep breath mostly to calm himself it partly worked if Robin could keep her mouth shut. He was mostly planning to deal with his problems by ignoring them like always. The approach had failed though. Robin's insistence didn't let him ignore it.

"Law-"

Robin didn't had the opportunity of finishing her question the same one she was repeating until Law had interrupted her. She could see his furrowed brows clenched teeth. The struggling to keep his composure. He couldn't hold back the words that betrayed his efforts.

"I just want to die."

Simple haunting and very familiar words. Robin had uttered them some time ago... A very long time ago when she looked back. But even though the words were the same the expression of them was not same. There were no tears the words didn't left his mouth in an angry rant nor high in volume. Perfectly calm and silent. Like a sigh, slow and quiet. Maybe she couldn't even hear Law if she was not that close to him. These were a resigned man’s voice. A man, who so clearly was in pain. Someone who was broken.

Her face calm, she looked through him not focusing on Law.

"I said those words once."

She waited for Law to make any kind of movement to indicate he had heard the words. He had. He slowly turned and met Robin's calm eyes. Then Robin continued.

"To Luffy and rest of the crew nonetheless. There were things happening and I didn't want to be burden for anyone. I was ready to die."

She stopped and continued to look at Law and he continued to stare at her. So she continued.

"I was so ready to die but I didn't. At first it was frustrating. Because that was what it was supposed to be. I'd die in an attempt to save them. You can think it as kind of dying as a hero."

Law couldn't stop himself from cutting her speech again.

"I was not attempting to be hero."

Robin accepted his remark and continued after commenting on his words.

"I never said you were. I never planned on being hero either. But dying was easy and I was tired so I simply chose that."

Law noticed. Being tired, that was what he was. He was simply tired and accomplishing his wishes hadn't gave him the euphoric feeling he awaited. He had a crew his own. Bepo, Penguin, Shachi and many others. He had his crew but even that didn't stop him from wanting to sleep and never wake up, he was a failure even as a captain. No, specially as a captain. He had ruined his own crew. Forcing them to split up.

He slowly slid down, sitting on the floor resting his head on his hand in clear anguish. He gritted his teeth. There was no need for pretenses when he had already fucked up.

"You just need to find a reason to keep going. You won against him."

"I didn't! I didn't... The one who defeated him was not me. I couldn't even avenge Cora-san."

Robin was taken aback but the mood Law seemed to be in was starting to make sense. Finding the problem meant being halfway done with to solution. She made herself comfortable on the floor too. Right across Law intensly gazing at his face.

"You did avenge him. It was you who made this real. You manage to win. It was you."

Law didn't seem to listen to her. He took a shaky breath still not letting the moisture in his eyes to form tears. He tightly squeezed his eyes shut.

"It was Luffy, it was all of you. Not me if, it was me I'd already be dead. That's the problem. My existence didn't change anything, so what would matter if it just cease to be."

Robin let him empty his mind. Let him rant on and watched him crack under her gaze. She didn't try to touch him again.

"It would matter. It would matter to us. It would matter to your own crew. It would matter to those children at Punk Hazard. You are not a failure Law. You are a good surgeon someone who went through a lot and won. If it was not your plans there would be lots of casualties of this battle. People are alive thanks to you."

He had never saw Robin talk this much not that she didn't talk but long speeches was not her thing, she was usually more straight to point with that morbid sense of humor no matter the occasion. Not now though, now she was encouraging. And maybe she was right. He didn't let people die on his watch. It was the at least he could do. And seeing usually stoic Robin this fervent for him. He would've been lying if he said he didn't feel something. Just he didn't know what that feeling was and he was not sure if it was a positive one. He didn't want her to go on and on about his accomplishments. He did all that so people would accept him and not from his good will. He didn't want to tire Robin though. He could see her point of view and noticed.

Yes, he had won, at least his side had won, sitting and being comforted by something that was no longer significant was pathetic. But the nagging feeling inside his head whispering how much of a failure he was didn't disappear. Maybe it was more quiet but at the same time more permanent, more steady. He had to hold onto something. He got up clutched the railing under his fingers. For a moment his own tattoos seemed to mock him but he didn't dwell to much on his hands. He stared into the horizon with blood-shot eyes with a straight back, head raised high. Robin was truly relieved when she saw Law confident again. But she didn't want to leave him alone, still let him have his privacy by giving him his space standing a few feet behind. The heavy subject kind of cleared his mind from the alcohol. He whispered without turning to Robin.

"I'm sorry."

Robin was not so sure this was directed at her so she didn't reply to his words.

"We should go back to deck, Trafalgar-kun."

He nodded and didn't turn around until he heard Robins footsteps. He turned around then walked right behind her before he put on his coat. Covering the bandages from sight and stopping for a moment take his hat from the floor and continued after Robin.

Robin watched him wearing his discarded clothes. The way he took confident steps. He had even opened the door for her, he looked fine more like himself the bandaged broken Law was not in front of her with his coat covering his body and with his hat covering half of his expression. His straight back and fluid movements indicated that he was fine. Even though she knew he couldn't be fine that quickly she didn't comment on it. Law was too prideful and she had no intention of hurting his pride.

Law didn't want to talk anymore not now if possible not ever. So he could act fine for a few more minutes it wouldn't be hard to act like that after years of practicing. Letting Robin get out of the room by holding the door for her, a polite gesture and to make sure Robin was indeed in front him so she wouldn't notice, the way his shoulders hunched just before he closed the door.

In the end, he was even a failure at dying…

**Author's Note:**

> And I'm sorry Law wasn't supposed to suffer this much but I never had a say in my writing it has a life it's own. I'm sorry Law you are not a failure you are my precious baby!!!
> 
> And here it is the lovely art work. 
> 
> [post/149798318278/first-day-of-opreversebang-and-im-opening-that](http://mathemayjicks.tumblr.com)


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